In Episode 26 of Divorce Diaries: Lessons from the Trenches, host Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator with Jacobson Family Law, is joined by Jeff Kolez, a survivor of a tumultuous seven-year divorce and the creator of a unique five-step recovery process for those emerging from the emotional wreckage of a failed marriage. Jeff brings a deeply personal story of pain, growth, and ultimately, transformation. His experience sheds light on what happens after the dust settles—and how to truly begin again.
The Unexpected Depth of Divorce
Divorce is rarely just a matter of dividing assets and moving on. Many who go through it experience a ripple effect that touches nearly every area of life. Relationships with friends may fracture, financial stability can become elusive, and physical health may suffer from stress and sleepless nights. Divorce can become, as described in this episode, a “soul wound”—leaving one disoriented, emotionally depleted, and unsure of how to move forward.
When Logic Fails: The Emotional Terrain
One of the most difficult realizations in the divorce journey is that logic alone cannot fix what’s broken. Divorce is emotional, and when emotions are used as weapons—whether through legal strategies or personal interactions—the aftermath can feel devastating. Navigating that landscape requires more than legal advice; it calls for emotional support, physical care, and a willingness to dive deep into personal healing.
A Five-Step Process for Recovery
Out of this painful experience emerged a powerful five-step process aimed at helping others rebuild after divorce. This framework focuses not just on moving forward, but on moving forward intentionally and authentically:
- Establish Boundaries (“The Outer Gate”)
Create firm emotional and physical boundaries with your ex. Distance is essential to healing. Techniques like “gray rocking”—offering neutral, unemotional responses—help diffuse conflict and prevent manipulation. - Recognize Emotional Patterns
Identify triggers and repeated emotional responses. These patterns are signals, not flaws. Understanding them is the first step toward managing them. - Develop a Dialogue with the Heart
Ask deeper questions: Why did this relationship unfold the way it did? What unconscious beliefs contributed? This inner conversation fosters accountability and sets the stage for healthier relationships. - Reconnect with Intuition
Learn to listen to your inner wisdom. Old wounds often distort perception; healing them allows for better choices in future relationships and personal growth. - Forge a New Path
From a place of insight and healing, begin to build a new life. This includes embracing the lessons of the past, integrating them into your story, and leading with wisdom rather than wounds.
The Power of Perspective
Through this recovery journey, life can transform in meaningful ways. Relationships with children can become deeper. New partnerships can be based on awareness and shared growth. Most importantly, learning to trust yourself again becomes the cornerstone of rebuilding a peaceful and purposeful life.
Divorce is not the end of the story—it’s the end of a chapter.
For more insight into navigating life after divorce, listen to Divorce Diaries: Lessons from the Trenches, hosted by Cary Jacobson. To learn more about Cary’s mediation and legal services in Maryland, visit jacobsonfamilylaw.com. And to explore support and coaching services from Jeff Kolez, visit divorce-daddy.com.