Divorce is a difficult process for everyone involved, but it can present unique challenges to teenagers. With teenagers already struggling with the stresses of school, social pressure, and near adulthood, divorce can be overwhelming. It is critical that the matters of presenting the news of divorce and helping teens cope with this big change are handled with care. This blog is about Helping Teens Cope with Divorce: A Guide for Parents.
My parents were never married and they split up before I was born, so I never had to handle the news of divorce. But, I have had to learn to cope with thoughts and emotions common in children of divorce— feeling like a member of a “broken” family, placing the burden of separation on myself, and feeling disconnected from a side of my family. My situation may not perfectly reflect yours, but I hope my experience and insight will help you.
Alleviating Child of Blame
Following your separation, your child may question their role in your split. They may analyze their every action and use benign disagreements or behaviors as proof of their blame. Teens are ridden with insecurity and pressure. This lack of confidence will likely translate to your separation. Your child may believe their negative traits contributed to your divorce and get into a negative, guilty mindset.
You must offer your child reassurance and affirm they were not the cause of your divorce. Let them know that, even though many things are changing, your love for them never will.
Not Taking Child Missing Other Parent Personally
It’s a huge adjustment for your teenager going from seeing both of their parents every day to going days without seeing one of their parents. They will likely miss their other parent a bit while they are with you. It can be disheartening, but it does not mean you aren’t doing enough. Make sure your teenager feels comfortable expressing their emotions to you.
My mom is one of my biggest supporters and I’ve never questioned how much she loves me. She does whatever she can to make sure I not only have the things that I need, but the things that I want. She is incredible. But, I still long to see my father. I don’t really have a relationship with my dad, so my wish to see him is motivated by the idyllic picture of him in my mind. Nothing my mom did or hasn’t done has sparked my desire to meet my father. I just long to be like my friends who have close relationships with their dads.
Maintaining an Amicable Relationship with Co-Parent
Depending on the circumstances surrounding your divorce, this may be challenging for you. But, it is critical that your teenager still feels they are part of a unit. So, if possible, continue to do a few things with your co-parent and your teen and continue friendly (or at least professional) communication with your co-parent.
Make sure your teenager doesn’t feel like they are in the middle of your divorce. Never speak negatively about your co-parent in front of your teenager, don’t use your child as a messenger, don’t relay the more unsavory details about your divorce, etc. If your teenager feels they are in the middle of a big argument between you and their other parent, they might feel pressured to pick a side or begin distancing themselves from you. To ensure your bond with your teenager is still intact, make sure they are the priority in all of your decisions.
Facilitating Open Family Conversations
As almost-adults, teens become frustrated when they feel they are being babied or told half-truths. The best way to avoid causing this irritation is to facilitate honest discussions with your child and co-parent. Clearly articulate your plan and ideas and answer some questions your child may have. As mentioned above, it is critical that you resist alienating your co-parent, which may mean leaving some questions left unanswered or being vague about certain aspects of your divorce.
Open communication is key to every relationship. You must trust that your child is mature enough to handle the truth and ask questions. Know that you may have to initiate the conversation, as your teenager may feel uncomfortable or too imposing. Make sure that this discussion occurs in a neutral and comfortable environment. Remember to keep your composure and maintain an even tone of voice.
Keep up with Routines
All changes, even good ones, can be stressful. Divorce is a huge change— it can be jarring for a teenager. Your child will have to make many adjustments in a short time. During this adjustment period, it is best to keep as many things consistent as possible. If you do Saturday movie nights, a designated restaurant night, or a daily walk, try your hardest to maintain those schedules. Any sense of normalcy will be beneficial to your child.
Now may also be a good time to make new traditions. Think about what your child likes or finds comfort in and try to incorporate it into your weekly routines. These activities will strengthen your bond with your child throughout this tumultuous time and give your teen something to look forward to.
Observe Behaviors and Look for Signs of Depression/Poor Mental Health
Sadness, anxiety, anger, and isolation are common among children coping with the divorce of their parents. These emotions must be closely monitored though, as they could become extreme. Your teen may develop depression or severe anxiety. Teens are incredible actors when it comes to hiding their mental struggles, so you must pay extra attention. If you notice any major changes in their behavior, address them immediately.
Let your teen know you are always willing to listen and offer advice or support. Consider getting your teenager a therapist to discuss their challenges with or encourage your teen to talk to the counselor at their school or another trusted adult.
Continue to Discipline Your Child
With divorce, comes many strong emotions, and with these emotions, may come retaliatory actions. Understand your child is going through a difficult time, and give them a little extra grace. However, you must still discipline them.
I understand the temptation to let your teenager misbehave and do more things they want to do in the hopes that they like you more and are less angry. But, this will only hurt you in the long run. As aforementioned, keeping routines is critical during this time. Your teenager should still expect to be punished the same way they were prior to the divorce. Disciplining your child will help them gain a greater sense of respect and normalcy and it will prevent them from falling into bad habits that will impact their future.
Helping your teenager cope with your divorce may not be easy, but it is certainly not impossible. As long as you are patient, understanding, and consistent with your teenager, everything will be fine. Good luck navigating this chapter of your life! Make sure to savor every moment with your teen— we grow up pretty quickly.
Contact Jacobson Family Law to schedule your consultation with one of our attorneys today at 443-741-1147 or by scheduling a consultation online.
