Divorce is often an emotionally charged and complex process. Many people enter divorce proceedings hoping that their spouse will finally change—whether it’s becoming more responsible, more cooperative, or more compassionate. However, holding onto this hope can lead to unnecessary frustration and prolonged legal battles. The reality is that the person you are divorcing is unlikely to change, and accepting this truth can help you move forward with clarity and confidence.
Why People Expect Change During Divorce
It’s natural to believe that a major life event like divorce will bring about personal transformation. You may think that once the divorce process begins, your spouse will:
- Take responsibility for their actions.
- Become more reasonable in negotiations.
- Prioritize the well-being of your children.
- Treat you with respect and fairness.
Unfortunately, in most cases, divorce does not change a person’s fundamental character traits or behaviors.
The Reality: People Rarely Change
Many of the same issues that led to the breakdown of the marriage will persist during and after the divorce. If your spouse was controlling, uncooperative, or dishonest during the marriage, those traits are unlikely to disappear just because you are divorcing. Instead, they may become even more pronounced as emotions run high and legal proceedings unfold.
Common Challenges During Divorce
Understanding that your spouse is not going to change can help you better navigate these common challenges:
1. Conflict Over Finances
Money disputes are one of the biggest sources of tension in divorce. If your spouse was financially irresponsible or secretive during the marriage, they are unlikely to suddenly become transparent and fair. Working with an experienced family law attorney can help you protect your financial interests.
2. Co-Parenting Struggles
If you share children, co-parenting will be a long-term commitment. If your spouse was inconsistent or manipulative as a parent before the divorce, they are not likely to become cooperative overnight. Establishing a clear, legally binding parenting plan can help mitigate conflicts.
3. Emotional Manipulation
Some divorcing spouses resort to guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to get their way. Recognizing these tactics and setting firm boundaries can help you stay focused on what truly matters—your own well-being and future stability.
How to Move Forward Without Expecting Change
Instead of hoping that your spouse will change, focus on what you can control:
- Set realistic expectations: Accept that your spouse will likely continue behaving as they always have.
- Protect yourself legally and financially: Work with a skilled divorce attorney to ensure a fair outcome.
- Prioritize your own growth: Use this time to focus on healing, personal development, and building a new future.
- Create boundaries: Establish clear communication guidelines and stick to them.
Final Thoughts
Letting go of the hope that your ex will change is a crucial step in moving forward. By focusing on what you can control and making empowered decisions, you can navigate your divorce with confidence and clarity. If you need legal guidance during your divorce, our team at Jacobson Family Law is here to help. Contact us!
For more expert insights on divorce, co-parenting, and family law, tune in to our podcast, Divorce Diaries: Lessons from the Trenches. We provide practical advice to help you move forward with confidence. Listen now!
